The Best Christmas Present

Let's start with a little honesty here, this blog has been severely neglected for the past 6 months. Partly due to a crazy life, but mostly due to my fear of writing this post. Every time I have logged in to my blog to update it, I am reminded that I have to write this post and it scares me to death. Which then leads me to logging out and not updating the blog. So ready or not here it goes.

First of all I have to start out with saying that I am blessed.  Since it becomes so easy to focus on the struggles in life, I often forget how blessed I am. Therefore I have to continually remind myself that I have so much to be grateful for in this life. With this in mind I am however going to bring up a very personal matter. I am really really good at keeping personal struggles very personal, so bringing up a personal matter for me is very scary. In reality I think I would rather go skydiving than bring up personal struggles in public. However, I keep this blog so that I can turn it into a book so that I can go back and look at the past years. Kind of like a journal (the lazy man kind). And since this was and is a huge part of our lives, it would be crazy to leave it out.

In January 2012 Kevin and I decided we were ready to start our family. Being diabetic there were a few extra hoops I had to jump through to make sure it was okay to start trying. So we talked to the Obgyn and the Endocrinologist, and with both their approval we decided we were ready. We had been married almost two years, I was currently working at Madison Jr. High, and Kevin was preparing for dental school and the timing just felt right.

 By June we were not pregnant and I was starting to get a little frustrated, but was reassured by the doctors that it can easily take 6 months plus to get pregnant. At this point we moved to Portland and Kevin started dental school. I talked to a Obgyn doctor here in Portland and brought up the point that I rarely had a menstrual cycle and because of this the doctor said they were willing to start me on medication earlier then a year. So I started on a variety of medications and was reassured by the doctor that it usually takes 3-6 months on the medications. After 6 months they usually stop the medication since it obviously didn't work. So fast forward 6 months and there was still nothing. At this point the doctor stopped all the medications which was really frustrating and started having us do other testing. We passed the tests with flying colors. So they told us that we had unexplained infertility and our next options were really expensive. 

Since we are being honest on here I will admit that this was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. Not only do the medications take a toll physically on your body (Hot flashes anyone?) but the emotional toll this process plays on you is even worse. Needless to say there were many many many nights of tears (Thanks Kevin for holding me for hours at a time while I cried) and lots and lots of prayers. This was a very trying time for both of us, but as I look back I am amazed at how much our relationship grew not only with each other but with our Heavenly Father as well. A little after a year of trying we finally opened up to our families about our struggles. And although we were very grateful for their love and support we still had a really hard time opening up to anyone else. So if I lied to you about when we were going to have kids that is why. Because honestly it felt like we were failing, and it is not easy to admit to the world that you are failing at something. As I look back now I know and understand that in no way were we failing. But when your body is not able to do what everyone else's body is able to do, you become very self consious. So we continued to lie to everyone and say that we were just taking our time and wanted to get through more of dental school before we started our family. 

Even now it is hard to find the words to express how hard the whole situation was. It is hard to explain how you can give up hope on something and yet at the same time only live off of the little hope you are still holding onto. Its hard to explain how you can be so happy for someone you love who just announced they are pregnant yet be so hurt by the news. Every pregnant lady or new baby you see is a constant reminder that pierces at your heart. Those that did know were very kind and comforting and offered us lots of love and support. Their kind words were always welcomed but never seemed to really curb any of the hurt. The only words that brought some kind of comfort to us was a scripture that we picked as our family scripture for the year. (At new years every year we pick a family scripture for the year that we print off and post in our room). This scripture had stood out to both Kevin and I and became our go to comfort during the year. It is found in D&C 98 1-2

  1 Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;

 2 Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament—the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

This scripture was a reminder to us that the Lord new of our concerns, had heard our plea over the past two years for children and that we would grant us the blessing of children whether it was through adoption or on our own.  We just needed to be patient and rely on the Lords time line and not our own.  

And although this scripture brought us lots of comfort there were still many days when the pain seemed unbearable and "waiting patiently" seemed near impossible. 

So come September I received a job teaching and had to choose an insurance plan. I started looking at the different plans that were offered to us and noticed that Kaiser Permanente said they covered 50% of infertility treatments. So after lots of research and telephone calls we decided that this insurance was probably going to be our best option since one of our main medical expenses was infertility medications and treatments. The doctors at Kaiser immediately started me on the same medication again with a few changes to the amount and form of medicines and started getting me information on other options. One of the options that they would pay 50% was an IUI. You can click on the link to get even more information. But in a simplified version Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is a procedure that involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus to facilitate fertilization.  The average success rate for IUI ranges from 10-20% in one cycle.  

Even though the success rate was not super high we decided we wanted to try a couple cycles of this before we jumped into in-vitro which was much more expensive. So once again I started on medication and started monitoring ovulation very carefully. After a few frustrating months of the medications not working correctly I finally got the green light that I was ovulating and we could go through with the IUI. So Kevin managed to sneak out of school during finals week and join me at the doctors for an afternoon. They performed the IUI and told me to take a pregnant test on December 24 if I had not started my period and sent me on my way. 

So fast forward two weeks to December 24th. We were in Idaho and I was cramping really bad. I told Kevin not to get his hopes up since I figured my menstrual cycle was going to start. But it didn't. Then it was Christmas day and although Kevin kept encouraging me to take a test, I could not bare to face another negative test especially on Christmas day. I told him I was not ruining Christmas for us and was going to wait and see. Well the 26th came along and as I laid in bed bright and early unable to sleep I decided I needed to face the test. So I snuck out of bed and went to take the test. When the positive line appeared almost immediately, I almost did not believe it. I sat there crying/hyperventilating not really sure what to do. All of a sudden all the pain all the tears all the medication all the time waiting was worth it.  After I pulled myself together I quickly ran into our room and tossed the test to Kevin who was asleep. He sat up and noticed it was a pregnancy test that had just hit him in the head. He however didn't even look at it. All he said was "I already know what it says from the look on your face". It was a very special moment to share with him especially because the tears were finally tears of happiness instead of sadness. 

 We told my mom later that day (I couldn't hold it back). I was still having cramps and was not feeling great so we decided to go to the doctors just to see what was going on. Turns out I also had a UTI. At the doctors they did a pregnancy test to confirm my pregnancy. It was positive as well. After this confirmation we finally had the chance to tell my dad (We had to find a time he wasn't surrounded by grandchildren or at work).  

I wish I had the answer or even great words of comfort to all those who are suffering with infertility.  Going through all of this was hard, the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. And because of this I am not sure any human is able to truly offer the comfort that those families need. However there is comfort.  That comfort can only be found in prayers and scriptures and trusting the lord and his plan (which is much easier said then done). He had a plan for us, a plan that took time and patience and tears, and growth both spiritually, emotionally, and within our relationship.  Even though we may not understand why we needed this time, He knew we needed this time and I trust that He knows best.